Here we are on this sensitive Pisces new moon and life would have me sorting through old digital photos.
I purchased a second hand digital camera when I resigned from my career in mining and minerals, still in the throes of my trauma. My intention was to capture moments with my son, to hold on to the memories of his fleeting toddlerhood. I had felt robbed of our time together when he was a baby as much of it was spent in total dissociation for me.
Funny that 7 years later I find a handful of photos from that time and it takes me reeling back in time. How I see the progress I have made and at the same time how I am still battling my own demons of worth and perfection.
It is only now that I am starting to play around with the same camera again, prompted by my children's love of taking photos with it. How the blurry and candid images can invoke such emotion in me. And that through their innocence, they have managed to unexpectedly capture me. How they see me, and that I am being seen. Whoa, I am overwhelmed with emotion.
When I got this camera so many years ago, I didn't utilize it because I wanted to do things "properly" and I see how those beliefs inhibited opportunities to just be playful and in the moment. How I thought I could juggle a career and motherhood without having to make any sacrifices...and how those beliefs nearly cost me my life.
Here I am, 7 years later. A bit rougher around the edges, wiser, more confident...and yet still sorting through my shit. Still struggling to find my way in the world and put my needs first. And I am overcome by the sheer beauty of it all. How these amazing children of mine chose me and how somehow I have actually managed to keep them alive and nurture them despite my struggles.
This new moon has me feeling all the feelings. It has me mourning the losses, celebrating the wins, honoring what was and what it took to get here, and relishing in the raw beauty that is.
Here's the mantra for this new moon:
Looking to our past,
Can be a powerful marker of the progress we have made.
When we own what has been,
We can take our earned wisdom and surrender the rest.
Creating open space for new
And wondrous adventures.