Ever since the #metoo movement has gone viral, it has stirred up many memories and I am finding myself unable to disentangle the depth of the far reaching web of patriarchy.
I have read countless posts of women who are sharing and saying that they felt they couldn't participate because their experiences weren't "bad enough". I too questioned whether the subtleties of my collective experiences were enough to deem me worthy of standing in solidarity with my fellow humans. I think this hilights why this movement is so imperative. That many women continue to question or second guess their experiences because as a society we always look to blame the victim. And that the experiences are so vast and can be carried out by people we least expect. They aren't all random attacks that occur in dark alleyways, in my case my worst traumas were by fellow women. The persuasive, subtle, and deeply uncomfortable situations just mirror even further the unbalance within our collective.
What I want to speak to today is a bit about my trauma and a bit about how I see things playing out online, specifically the calling out of women by other women.
My PTSD was caused at the very hands of a female doctor, one in which I firmly and repeatedly said no to. This woman was surrounded by men in the delivery room where my son was born. I will say that I also had a violent cervical exam from a male doctor and that a male nurse repeatedly screamed at me. These are all part of the same problem. The structures of the systems we navigate continually place people in positions of power who then do not LISTEN to the people they are meant to be serving, protecting, and helping.
After my son was born, I actually believed that these people saved me, and I blamed myself for all the tragedies and violence that were carried out. I thought all that went wrong was because of me!!! I believed the health care system and professionals had my best interests at heart, even though I was repeatedly ignored, dismissed, and violently wounded by them. The attitude that they were the experts and knew what was going on, was actually what led to my demise. I tried to advocate, my doula tried to advocate, and ultimately she was my greatest ally that day. I credit her for saving my life in that delivery room because that's how scary it got.
To be clear, I don't hate these people that carried out these horrific acts against me, my son, my husband, or my doula. I hate the constructs that allowed them to think they were righteous in doing so. I can see how they were also wounded in this. Anyone who works in an environement that carries out horrific acts against women, children, and ultimately humanity on a daily basis must become so desensitized by it that their hearts harden and their compassion turns off as a means to survive. My heart grieves SO deeply that every damn day this shit is carried out and sold to women as being what's best for them or what is necessary.
I have struggled with relationships with women my whole life. I have been berated, attacked, and deeply wounded by my fellow sisters, most often when they feel threatened by empowerment. What #metoo has awoken in me is the ability to step back and just start to begin grasping the sheer depth of oppression. I have seen women join the movement only to have other women critisize the movement or the stories they share....thus oppressing the very thing we are trying to free. The striving for perfection or trying to dismiss the discomfort of others shows me how we continue to shun the dark feminine. The dark feminine is here, she is fierce, and she is fucking pissed off.
Having taken many spiritual courses and workshops over the past few years, the amount of spiritual bypassing that occurs really doesn't sit well with me. Feminine leadership needs to be a wayshower for weaving back in the dark feminine, for the shunned and shamed aspects that include sacred rage. When only love and light are deemed acceptable, we force darkness further down and it continues to perpetuate that which we are so deserpate to uncage. And to be clear people can run their courses and workshops however they see fit, I just encourage my fellow sisters to constantly evaluate whether their actions are upholding the current constructs or dismantling them. Are we creating space for our darkness to come forth?
How do we begin reclaiming our shame and transmuting it into something that can serve us rather than hinder us? For me, I try my best to share vulnerably and authentically from my heart my struggles and challenges. I will work to shift accountability to where it belongs, and my way of doing this is by energetically recognizing the burdens I have been carrying for others and simply putting that shit down. We can't force other's to be responsible for their actions but we sure as hell can ensure that we stop internalizing and taking on their crap.
Moving forward, I plan to blog more about the traumas I have experienced that relate to my feminine power. I will dig in and expose the situations where I was attacked and vilified. I will speak about how I handled things and how I often felt trapped. I will talk about how I continue to heal and cope with the effects. I will channel my rage into the fierce telling of my stories so that other women might feel less alone and perhaps even safe enough to share their stories. I will create safe space for the dark feminine to come forward in all her power and reclaim her rightful place in humanity.
Navigating change is always messy, that's part of the process. As women, we can begin by exercising fierce boundaries, using the resources available to us (no matter how pathetic they are), reevalating and exploring, discussing, sharing, and locking arms together for the common cause. We need to have awareness around our triggers and work to manage them ourselves rather than pointing fingers. Blame only strenthens victim mentality, we need build our strength and move beyond that. Our stories and approaches will differ but the power lies in our solidarity. Let us heal through our stories, let us heal through connection, let us crawl out from under this mountain of heaviness and maintain focus on reclaiming ourselves, our femininity, and our empowerment.
Dedicated to Susan for seeing me, for being my cheerleader, and for knowing the depth of power that lies within the sacred feminine patiently waiting for us to tap into her greatness <3