I think this post has probably been a long time coming. I am someone who has continually pointed my finger inwards in my journey towards healing. When things have gotten challenging or gone awry, I more often than not, look at what I did wrong, or what my contributions to the situation were. And I think it's time to voice my truth because before I was broken. I am no longer broken. I no longer seek outwardly that which I know is within me, and that which cannot be taken from me.
I do my best to avoid mainstream media and fear mongering but when the victim from the Brock Turner case released her statement, I wanted her voice to be heard, so I read it.
Many of you know that I was diagnosed with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) in 2011, after a long fight with the medical system that started in 2009, following the birth of my first son. Reading her statement stirred up SO much for me. I will say that I felt completely exhausted, hopeless, and sad. I experienced triggers and regression following reading her words. It brought me back to my darkest days. I admit that I had forgotten what it was like. I was SO angry for her, and in that, I found my own anger waiting for me once again.
As I came to a more settled state in the days that followed, I had a huge realization. I have never fully voiced my rage. Through the fucking shit storm that was imposed upon me and instigated by our medical system, I was made to feel crazy and invisible. I was dismissed, I was abandoned...but further more when I had said NO repeatedly, nobody listened. As women, we are continually coerced, shamed, blamed, guilted, gaslighted, and made to carry burdens that are not ours to carry. Things are done to us against our will and we are left to pick up the pieces and judged for it all along the way.
When I said no to the fetal monitor being screwed into my son's scalp, why did no one listen? When I said no to being forced upon my back, why did no one listen? When I SCREAMED no to an episiotomy, WHY THE HELL DID NO ONE LISTEN?!!! When my husband was pushed aside and I had two nurses jumping on my abdomen, why was no one telling me what the hell was going on!! I lay there defeated, dissociated, and completely numb, blaming myself and my body for not providing a safe, nurturing, and gentle transition for my son to come earthside. I laid there silenced, broken, and self loathing at my inability to speak up and protect my baby. All of these actions that happened, were by the people who apparently had mine and my son's best interests in mind, never once did they listen to the expert in the room, which was ME!! Not only did they not listen, they went AGAINST me! Further more, they traumatized me, my baby, my husband, and my doula (who I credit to saving my life that day and being my guardian).
In the weeks and months that followed, my guilt and shame continued to eat away at any shred of worth I had left. I struggled to breastfeed my baby. I felt that if I couldn't do that for him after all he had been through, I was even more of a failure. I continually pushed for answers, getting bounced from doctor to doctor after mine went on permanent sick leave just weeks following the birth. My son cried for 16 hours a day and I was left to pick up the pieces. My husband was traumatized, he couldn't fathom that this was the reality we had signed up for when we chose to have a family.
How have we, as a society, gotten to such a broken place? When I read that victim's statement I again feel defeated, hopeless, and completely broken open. Must the contrast be so stark that such atrocities have to occur to have us wake the hell up? And why must everyone have a damn opinion on everything? Why is everyone using social media as a platform to preach their bloody opinions on everything? Where is the humanness, the connection, the love? My head is left spinning over political correctness, over people patronizing one another, and being completely condescending. All I see is noise and cowards hiding behind a screen typing shit that they'd never even whisper to someone face to face.
Are our opinions and beliefs so self serving that they are worthy of tossing aside connection, friendship, acceptance, and tolerance. For some they might say yes, for me I say fuck it!
I step into my truth and I say have your opinions, hold tight to your beliefs, and you may find yourself swimming in a sea of helpless victim mentality.
I want my life to be one of acceptance, joy, and connection. For me that doesn't happen by spewing my opinions and beliefs at every opportunity, or by policing other's posts, or by shaming and blaming my fellow sisters. It comes from knowing that I don't agree with some of your stances, your beliefs, your opinions, and I love you anyway. I accept you regardless. I hold space for you. I am honoring and trusting that what is right for you doesn't have to be right for me. And on your journey of finding what's right for you, I can empathize with the need to explore.
In the end do we let "them" win? Do we let them plot us against one another? Screw semantics. We only gain traction through sovereignty, solidarity, and by focusing on the commonalities and passions that we do share. By loving acceptance. And lastly, by voicing our rage at the systems that oppress us, rather than directing it at each other.
This is me voicing my rage, this is me saying that it's not ok, that it was never ok. This is me acknowledging that they broke me, burned me, and left me. What they didn't anticipate is that I would return, and like a phoenix, I have risen from the ashes. I am no longer broken. I am healed. I am not a victim. I am free.
I am here to tell you, that if you try to break me again, I will not stand for it. I will breathe fire from my belly of the thousands of lives I have lived and my rage will bury you.