It's been awhile since I have blogged. I used to blog monthly, following each Red Tent, as I always felt so inspired after sitting with women in circle. The last Red Tent occurred in April. Truthfully, I had been feeling the need for a break. With the change in seasons and the warmer weather, naturally nobody wanted to be stuck inside. So with enrollment for these monthly events down, the universe delivered what I had been feeling and needing, and officially granted me a break from hosting circles, until the fall.
The wrap up of monthly women's circles seems to have coincided with a total shift in my momentum. I have been feeling like someone has slammed on the brakes of a vehicle that I am used to driving at a certain speed. For the past couple of months I have felt like I am swimming through molasses. Feeling like anything I do takes such effort and I am unable to build momentum and gain any sort of traction. I think some of this is my own skewed perceptions, as things are still getting done, just not at the rate I am used to or at a pace that I am necessarily comfortable with.
I have also noticed that I have a complete inability to absorb and digest the huge amounts of noise that social media blasts me with. This realization has further led me to quiet my world. I have left many online groups, turned off notifications, and started tuning in with what is it that I desire. What are my beliefs? My truth? What do I value? What am I wanting to cultivate? I have become really discerning about consciously choosing what I allow into my sacred space. My empathic nature finds it difficult to discern my voice and truth, when I am bombarded with other's all day long. The wisdom that has transpired for me, is that, in saying no to something, I have been able to create space to say yes to something else. And often I have found that I didn't realize it was something that would've been on my radar to even think to say yes to. I am still in an incubation period, in deep introspection, in my quiet safe cave. I have had so many synchronicities, so many vivid dreams with animal messages and totems, a growing awareness of the messages in numbers, and seemingly random people popping into my life in very real and impactful ways.
In my newsletters that are sent out with the moon cycle every couple of weeks, the themes of trust, surrender, and allowance have been at the forefront. I was having coffee with a good friend today and it was such a relief to know that she was also feeling and experiencing much of what I was. The feelings of being stuck, the realization that we both can't go back to what we once did and who we once were. Lots of shifts and the awakening of how we didn't always serve ourselves. That the martyrdom of what we once held in such reverence has begun to fall away. We are seeing with fresh eyes and renewed perspective.
Maybe this is the wisdom of navigating our 30s. I have felt that my 20s were meant for living a life that society dictated. Follow the steps of: go to school, get a job, make money, get married, buy a house, start a family, and then try to juggle work and family life. I accomplished all of that and was left feeling hollow. I was left wondering how the fuck do women, in particular, do this?
My awakening came in 2009 with a complete unraveling, that was initiated by horrendous trauma. I rebuilt when the answers I was seeking weren't coming from the medical community that essentially raped, labeled, and abandoned me. The answers didn't come from outside of myself, either. They came from connecting and unearthing the wisdom and magick within me. From trusting my intuition, from learning to work with the subtleties of the feminine, from following my baby's cries, from refusing to accept the label I was given, to making my world one that was safe for me and our family. It hasn't been easy, the journey towards healing has been so damn hard, it has required such grit, and such unwavering faith. I have found that I have swung so far away from the medical community that wronged me, that it's now time to rebuild. To create a bridge built on informed consent, active listening, speaking my voice, and advocating for myself and my children.
So perhaps this complete halt in my life, is the piece that is creating space to rebuild a foundation with my support system, on my terms. To begin anew by speaking my truth to those I allow and trust within my inner circle. To melding the ancient wisdom of the divine feminine, alternative modalities, my intuition, with the western approach. So much has shifted in the medical system since my horrendous initiation into motherhood nearly seven years ago. And while I am not cut out for public advocacy work, I feel I am finally in the place to advocate for myself and my children. And while this decision wasn't totally mine, it was instigated by my youngest needing dental surgery this July, I am feeling prepared and more confident in my ability to protect and care for myself and my kids than ever before.
I am making the decision to trust, to surrender, and to allow the unfolding of what is destined, knowing that I have strength, perseverance, and the wisdom of years gone by to draw on, if needed. While at the same time having an innate knowing that I won't need to draw on my resources in the ways I have needed to in the past. This is the true testament of how far I have come, how much I have healed, and that I am on the path that I am meant to be on. That the only opinion that truly matters when it comes to living my life, is my own. I release the suffering, and the stifling martyrdom, the drama. I step fully into a life that is created by leading from the heart, my heart <3