Dear Kindness {April Love}

Dear Kindness,

You are my closest ally. I try to embody you always.

I falter, I stumble. And I struggle to embrace you fully when others share you with me. I am working on receiving your gifts.

More recently, I am extending myself your softness. It's a bit foreign and uncomfortable, but I am trying. I have started with small things like full enjoyment of a good coffee, listening to my heart and allowing it to lead. Through these small steps, I hope to gain momentum. I do hope I make you proud.

xoxo,

A

Dear Family {April Love}

Dear Family,

I always wanted our home to be filled with love and understanding. Isn't it amazing, we have created just that?!

Laughter, joy, anger, sadness... there is room for all these emotions to be expressed safely. Love and affection is given freely. And I am sure there's a dash of dysfunction to ensure each of us is well-rounded ;)

I am so blessed to share this life with my soul mate and my two most precious boys. 

Dear Legs {April Love}

Dear Legs,

You are my favorite body part. I love your shape, you strength, how you carry me from place to place.

When I was an athlete, you were so defined and proud. You loved being molded and pushed. Now you are softer, that's what motherhood does... softens all our sharp edges. You not only carry me, but have carried two precious children, and sometimes still lift them with ease when needed. 

Dear Shadows {April Love}

Dear Shadows,

How perfectly timed that I am writing you on the Scorpio full moon. I have been contemplating you often. Wondering how I can break free of your grasp? If you will haunt me until the end of days? Will I be able to integrate you and transmute you? Are you infinite, bottomless? 

I know that you are here to help me grow, to assist my evolution. That you are the greatest gift to humanity. You provide contrast, you push me to dig deep, to continually grow. You have such strength in your consistency. I just need to decipher between contrast and fear. You are not fear, you are contrast. 

 

Dear Senses {April Love}

Dear Senses,

Oh how I relish you! You make life so decadent, so luxurious, so multi-layered, and so indulgent.

My favorite ways to appreciate you:

1. The FEELING of the sun heating and browning my skin after a long winter.

2. The SMELL in the air after a good thunderstorm, the atmosphere electric with the scent of ozone.

3. Drinking in the SIGHT of my beautiful sleeping children, even more delightful when sun beams dance across their faces. 

4. The TASTE of anything made with love and intention. Strong coffee, birthday cake, gravy, need I go on?

5. The SOUND of my bamboo wind chimes, hung by the back door, singing to me .

Dear Future Me {April Love}

I find this concept, of writing to my future self, difficult to wrap my own head around. I remember being 12 and fantasizing about how my life would look, and feel, and be when I was in my 20s and 30s. This feels a bit the same, doesn't it? I do feel a bit wiser and more worldly than I was when I was 12. Although, I like to think that I still maintain the inner youth and vitality that my 12 year old self did with such ease. 

I imagine this letter might be an opportunity to reassure my future self of many of the neuroses I struggle with now. I think that they will probably evolve but still maintain a theme of what is current in my life now. 

So what is it that I long to tell the future me? Two things: you are enough AND you are NOT too much. You don't have to have it all figured out. Nobody has it all figured out. We are all just stumbling through our own humanness and that is precisely where the beauty lies, isn't it? Growth and evolution happen no matter what, try not to be so hard on yourself.

Dear Hunger {April Love}

Dear Hunger,

I stifle you, I don't trust you. I think perhaps because I feel you may never be satiated, and that the part of you that is me, will always be too much. 

I fear you are a wormhole filled with countless desires that are rich and tempting but will never quench my thirst. One that, if I allow myself to surrender to, I might never emerge from. 

Perhaps, your depth, your magnetism, and your temptation is your power. You represent the aspect in each of us wants to be desired and devoured, with reckless abandon.

I have slowly began letting you out, bit by tiny bit. We haven't lost control yet, and that's what I was most afraid of, wasn't it?

Maybe one day I will trust enough in myself to unleash you fully. For now, bit by bit is how we will go. 

Dear First Love {April Love}

Dear First Love,

We were six. You made me a Valentine's pillow stuffed with a pair of your mom's pantyhose, complete with a medical gauze bow. I still get teary thinking of this gift you made me, from your heart. The pride and pure innocence that permeated your being, when you gave it to me. 

I was 14, you were 16. You stared at me intensely across the parked cars we were leaning upon, with the surety and cockiness that only a 16 year old boy can pull off. We stuck it out longer than we should have, perhaps because you were my first, or perhaps we were both afraid of being alone. It was a rough four years, but I am wiser and better because of you. And I like to think the same might be true for you.

I was 20, you were younger. You were all about the chase. I relished in being desired by you. As soon as I told myself you would keep my heart safe, you shattered it...into a million pieces, with no remorse. I spent a lot of time alone after you left. I slowly picked up the shards of my broken heart and glued them back together, piece by piece. You showed me that I needed to love myself, you taught me to never settle for someone who didn't cherish and love me back.

We met when I was 20. I could feel the heat of your gaze from across the room, but you were with someone, and so was I. You found me again, with my shattered heart, when I was 22. I couldn't come to you. I wasn't ready. I knew it would move fast between us and I had to heal my brokenness first. You waited, patiently, over a year. Then at 23, I was ready. It's been 10 years, two children, and countless ups and downs. You have been steadfast and strong. You carry my heart, you cherish it, and you tend to it, in such a way that makes it flourish.

All the other boys were just a means to get to you, my grand prize, the truest and purest love of my life. Not one from a fairy tale but the grit, the commitment, and the perseverance that builds the foundation brick, by brick, by brick. Together. Tending and nurturing, together.

Dear Imagination {April Love}

Dear Imagination,

We have been spending more and more time together. I am sure you thought I had forgotten about you over the years.

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I guess I forgot how accessible you truly are. A few deep breaths and there you are. Thank you for the vividness and creativity that you provide.

You have become such a safe haven from the noise of the outside world. It is with you that I am able to settle and explore what it is to be me <3 

Dear Younger Me {April Love}

Dear Younger Me,

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You are on your path. I'm here to tell you that you needn't search or try so hard. You have all you need within. That is enough and you are not too much. Don't let others projections and insecurities dim your inner light.

xoxo,

Older Me ;)

Dear Rest {April Love}

Dear Rest,

I tend to divert my gaze when you whisper to me softly, beckoning me to you. 

And when I don't acknowledge or listen to you, you grow louder, more persistent with your demands. Until I am no longer able to resist you. Until avoidance is no longer avoidable. 

Then you grip me tightly and force me into your cocoon. Softly reminding me that had I come when you first gently called to me, that I wouldn't be in this place of complete surrender.  

I cause myself anguish because of my resistance. I am trying, I am learning, I am listening <3 

Dear Books {April Love}

Dear Books,

How is it that you can you house such possibilities, such adventure, and offer such escape within your pages?

You are piled in stacks in unsuspecting corners all over my home, but I struggle to let you go once I finish.

How I can feel such reverence in my heart and have such attachment to the beauty of your words? 

My life could be simpler, more minimalistic, if I was able to release you from my captivity.

You deserve to be treasured, to be handled, to be loved with reckless abandon, to be passed on to others who long to be transported by your magic.  I adore you with furled pages and notes scrawled along your margins, I think that's how you feel most loved <3 

Dear Intuition {April Love}

Dear Intuition,

We have really developed and deepened our relationship lately, haven't we? I've become much more intimate with you, building more trust with each passing moment.  

After countless years of dismissing you and brushing you off, you stayed true. You continued to provide subtle, and do I dare say, not so subtle hints to steer my compass. Each time I ignored you, I can look back with astounding clarity and pinpoint the moment you quickened my heart rate, made my hair stand on end, gave me a sense of knowing deep within my gut, provided a fleeting thought. And what did I do? I allowed fear, ego, societal beliefs, my own lack of confidence, and the "SHOULDS" impede you.

I am finally listening. It's a bit hard to let go of how I once did things and drown out the noise, but I am trying. I am committed to leading with my heart and trusting you on this journey. You have yet to fail me, even though I have failed you, over and over.

I embrace and welcome you with all your messages. It's an exciting adventure we are embarking on, isn't it? <3

Dear Morning {April Love}

Dear Morning,

We seem to be greeting one another earlier, as the days grow longer. It's been a welcome reprieve from the long, dark nights of winter.

I have been awakening nestled between two tiny warm bodies. They sneak in, before you arrive, cloaked by the night. Never choosing to cling to their dad.

It's such a precious time, dear morning, how you and I are able to witness their soft breath, their pink cheeks, and their pure innocence as our first vision for the day.

What a gift <3

Dear Feet {April Love}

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Dear Feet,

For so long, I wasn't able to connect with and appreciate all of you. I tried but couldn't quite grasp it. You didn't seem to mind, though. You simply carried on, waiting patiently. All the while, providing unwavering strength.

You knew it would be worth the wait. That I would finally come around. 

Now you relish in the full awareness of sinking toes into cool clay. Of burrowing feet in warm sand. Of soft moss on your soles. Drinking in the heartbeat and pulse of Mother Earth. Her magic and medicine grounding and anchoring me, through you, to the present moment.